


(Unrequited) Love Story

by pheonickx



Category: Running Man RPF
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/M, Romance, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-14 15:16:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3415544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pheonickx/pseuds/pheonickx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(translated with permission)<br/>But that alone wouldn’t change my ‘bad’ feelings towards him to ‘good’.<br/>I knew that it took a lot more time than expected to wash away an image once it already formed.<br/>That and right now my sleep was a lot more important than that sort of thing….<br/>I fell asleep slowly, not knowing even in my wildest dreams that this would be the start of whispered unrequited love...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Impression

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and is not meant to reflect the actual feelings of these individuals in any way.
> 
> Original by 쿠키쿠키/cookiecookie on Naver
> 
> Translated by yours truly, posted with original author's permission
> 
> (crossposted on other sites)

Running Man, that was the first variety I had been a part of.

 

It had been only a few days ago that I had happily thought: my first step in another direction not as an actress!.. But in the present after having just finished my first filming, I was so exhausted I could barely move my body.

I let myself fall on the seat on the car and felt my strained shoulder muscles start to loosen slowly.

The brilliant camera lights that had followed me all throughout filming seemed to follow me still as I closed my eyes.

 

“An overnight filming of all things… Maybe I shouldn’t have started.”

 

I complained at this small inconvenience in front of me right now, not knowing how large of a stepping stone to my success it would prove to be in the future.

 

How she had heard my small muttering was a mystery, but the manager unnie who was in the front driving replied, “Stop thinking so badly about it and consider enjoying yourself.”

 

She switched the topic, either out of genuine concern or that she didn’t want to hear my grumbling complaints, “Anyways, how are the other members? Are they all nice? There aren’t any perverts or anyone bullying you right?”

 

I was tired but bored too, so I decided to think on it.

Leaning against the window, I looked back on the members I had met yesterday.

 

“Mm.... Jae Suk-sunbaenim is really someone to respect like everybody says. Despite being in such a high position, he’s very humble and kind - he really was like a saint.”

 

“Ooh. As expected of Yoo-neunim.”

 

“Suk Jin…  _(what do I even call him)_ oppa is kind too, but he has a bit of a childish side, haha. I already knew Joong Ki, and I think that Gwang Soo is really nice,

As for Haha-oppa and Gary-oppa…. I don’t know yet. I wasn’t in the same team this time and we didn’t really talk, but they both have a cute side, and seem like good people.

 

And Kim Jong Kook-oppa is….. well…

 

I didn’t really like him….

 

He’s got macho written all over him, and he kept getting angry during filming though not at me, kept threatening our team, and didn’t even talk that much during break…. The only people that didn’t say anything to me were Jongkook-oppa and Gary-oppa. But at least Gary-oppa joked around a lot so it was okay but….

Yeah, it was like that… Ha…”

 

“Really? I heard that he’s really talkative if nothing else, you know? Hey, I thought you’d like him the best because he’s close to your ideal type that you keep talking about.”

 

“Hm… Is he? Well his looks are similar... but the problem is his personality. I like guys that are cutesy and considerate. I absolutely hate bad boys.”

 

But hearing he was close to my type, all his actions today flashed past my head.

There was my memory of him acting annoyed and him waving his fist around... and lastly the roulette stopped at a part that had struck me as almost inspirational.

 

 _Ah…_  That’s right… He had that side to him too…

 

 

“Then again, he had a cool side as well.”

 

When he was made to jump off the 10m diving board like some preplanned script because the other members had kept avoiding it-

When he dropped down without so much a complaint despite the invisible hand that had coerced him-

I had found myself clapping absentmindedly, thinking he was amazing.

 

 

But that alone wouldn’t change my ‘bad’ feelings towards him to ‘good’.

I knew that it took a lot more time than expected to wash away an image once it already formed.

That and right now my sleep was a lot more important than that sort of thing….

  
I fell asleep slowly, not knowing even in my wildest dreams that this would be the start of whispered unrequited love....

 

* * *

 


	2. The Small Chasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihyo's second filming, and the members' fourth.

I think the clock greatly liked playing tricks on people.

 

Each second seemed to trickle by so slowly when you looked at it, but the moment you took your mind off, an hour would have flown by.

And these two weeks during which I had no leisure to mind the clock, passed by in what seemed like two minutes due to the clock’s tricks.

 

The day of the fourth, but only my second, filming finally dawned.

Before the filming officially started, the members were sitting in their seats around a table full of snacks and drinks in the break room.

It was a time that the PDs had provided so the members could discuss which direction they were going to take the show – considering there were 8 variety people there, the room was ringing loudly.

But 80% of the conversation was just regular everyday talk.

 

 

“Having a female member really livens things up around here.”

 

“Ya, Ha Dong Hoon – are you trying to score one on Ji Hyo? I told you it won’t work out.”

 

At Haha-oppa’s stiff words, Jae Suk-oppa only opened his eyes lazily and ignored him, followed quickly by Haha-oppa's response of ‘What are you saying?’.

 

It was like watching a slice of life as a sitcom.

The atmosphere definitely was livelier and brighter than last time.

The fact that conversation flowed without stopping held proof to that. Even though they all couldn’t wait to devour each other whole, I was really fond of the genuine friendship I felt between them.

 

Did something happen while I was gone?… keke.

Unfortunately, I was absolutely sure that this change had nothing to do with me.

 

“What do you mean it’s lively around here because of someone like her? Ji Hyo-ya, you should do some aegyo too.”

 

Like Suk Jin-oppa said, the fact that I was someone that couldn’t do aegyo very well and took time in getting close to people was a truth that was hard to change, even after all these years. I don’t know about last week, but that it hadn’t been this lively when I was here just 14 days ago was another truth that would never change.

 

Then where did the change come from? The answer was surprisingly close by.

 

“I told you that hyung speaks pretty harshly towards females too.”

 

The man who didn’t eat any snacks, who would only drank water because it was nighttime.

The man who I rarely heard speak last time, who was now almost overly talkative.

The biggest change would probably be this person.

 

_Had he always been this chatty….._

I glanced at Jong Kook-oppa’s face, thinking that I had misunderstood at least that one thing about him.

But it wasn’t as if this would open my heart up to him, as it wasn’t that I liked talkative types…

Whether he was chatty or withdrawn didn’t really matter to me.

 

Just then-

 

“Song Ji Hyo. Why are you looking at Jong Kook so intently? By any chance do you…” Oblivious to my thoughts, Jae Suk-oppa started an innocent joke, unaware how big an influence it would have on me.

 

“Really Jong Kook-hyung, are you starting lovelines on variety shows again ?”

 

“Oh~ As expected of Jong Kook-hyung. Is this how you will become the romantic guy of this century?”

 

It’s something I’ve thought before, but our members really hit off well.

 

“What are you saying! I only looked for bit because he was saying something about me.”

 

“Ya, Ha Dong Hoon. I told you I’m not doing that anymore. Romantic guy, my foot!”

 

 

The teasing and couple game continued no matter how much I explained myself. I realized all over again how annoying it was when people say you have an interest in someone that you hate. 

 _I really wish they would stop…._  The conversation was getting more and more heated up.

 

“I think you guys would really look great married together….”

 

“Ah I had my eyes on Ji Hyo-noona too..”

 

What if I really was put in a loveline with this person at this rate….

I suddenly thought ‘ _I have to stop this situation somehow’_  and my heart grew frantic. And….

Ah…. They say an accident happens in an instant…

 

My words had already slipped out of my mouth before I could even think about it.

 

“Stop it, I don’t even like him!”

 

Normally in situation like this, it would be said as a joke – and maybe I did consider it as a joke.

But we had only known each other for a couple of days, not close enough for joking around like that and…

I don’t think even they could have heard it as one either, not when it was something I had genuinely thought.

 

 

The room suddenly grew uncomfortably quiet.

 

 

The younger dongsaengs looked towards Jong Kook-oppa, whom I couldn’t bear to face.

Would his face be contorted in anger or would it be expressionless?

 

I realized I had made a mistake within the social life that I had barely started.

If I didn’t take care of this right now, the issue would grow bigger into something I wouldn’t be able to control – and haunt me.

 

I opened my mouth with great hesitation. 

“I was kidding….. I’m sor-“

 

“Geez~ It isn’t as if I like you that much either, Ji Hyo-ssi! Why are you getting yourself so worked up?”

 

“Hey, she really must not like you, keke. You should give it up.”

 

“What are you talking about, I told you I don’t like her that much either!”

 

“Maybe not. They do say that a strong denial is an affirmation!”

 

 

Whew….

 

I allowed myself a small sigh of relief, seeing the situation dissipated in an instant.

Jong Kook-oppa’s tact in receiving my half-honest words in true variety manner and the national MC’s quick thinking in responding comically had definitely shone.

 

 

The room became cheerful again as if nothing had happened.

 

But….

 

 

Even amidst all this noise

I'm sure all the people there probably felt

That hidden awkward air that hadn’t been there before

And the small chasm between him and me…

 

* * *

 


	3. Do you hate me?

(present)

 

 

I opened my eyes.

 

“Ah…. That had happened….”

 

I was at a place where the cherry blossoms fell like so many snowflakes.

The sun wrapped warmth on my skin, and the soft wind caressed my hair.

The pale pink flowers that had bloomed in plenty descended in countless numbers as if it were some sort of celebration … It really was a beautiful sight… But why did it look so sad in my eyes….

Though they showered their love on us now, they would be left with nothing in return, with only bare branches when spring came to pass.

 

“Hey, Ji Hyo-ya! Are you blanking out again?”

 

“J-Jong Kook-oppa…. I wasn’t blanking out!”

 

He placed his big, strong, yet somehow delicate hands on my head.

It was an act that I might have rebuffed, but one I couldn’t refuse for the fondness conveyed through the gesture.

I could only pretend to get mad at him while laughing. Or maybe I was just happy at that small contact.

 

“Why are you suddenly speaking formally?”

 

“Ah! What am I doing.”

 

“Ah…. Song Ji Hyo…… “ he chuckled. “This is why you’re Mong Ji Hyo. What were you thinking about anyways?”

 

 

….What was I thinking about? I was thinking about you, something I’ve been doing far too often as of late.

Almost to the point where I have to wonder if I’m sick or something.

It looks like there’s no way to cure this unless you help me, but this guy….. is really clueless.

It makes me want to get angry.

 

“Mm….. About that time when we were just getting to know each other, when I said I didn’t like you. I was just thinking about back then.”

 

I couldn’t help the smile that spread on my face.

Only because I had been so silly then.

I had been pretty young and immature. It felt just like yesterday, when had it become like this?….

 

“Ah. Back then?”

 

“You remember?”

 

“Of course I remember. You said it so seriously~ I was a little hurt, you know.”

 

“When did I say that seriously?”

 

“Ask your conscience, keke.”

 

“Tch~”

 

.

.

.

“But……”

.

.

.

“Do you still not like me?”

 

It was an unexpected question.

I remained frozen there like time had stopped.  Was he seriously joking? Or was he pretending not to know when he actually knew everything?

I wanted to tell him my feelings as soon as possible, but I didn’t want to have it revealed in such a trifle manner like this.

I looked at him, making my face as devoid of feeling as possible.

His mouth was curved into an easy smile, yet his gaze was focused on the cherry blossoms as if taunting he wasn’t going to reveal anything.

 

_No…. I like you so much. I feel like I’m going to go crazy over how much I love you, you idiot…._

 

Those words that I had wanted to say a hundred different times, but ones that I had always swallowed back down. Though I looked with my eyes and felt with my hands, those words were something I could not say.

And you’re asking me if I hate you?

I rather wish I did, because it was so painful right now.

Those words remained trapped in my heart, ringing and echoing.

And bitterly, I prepared to say something that I didn’t mean at all.

 

He added, “Just because, I feel like that you treat me differently than you do other members.”

 

“Oh, you realized that only now? I told you I hated you since last time~”

 

“Keke, I thought you’d say that-“

.

.

.

“Wait no. Actually, I think I like you.”

 

Once again the conversation stopped and I could only hear the wind.

But unlike before, he was looking at me in slight surprise.

I smiled at that small triumph.

Ah. Perhaps in that last part, the words had finally escaped the confines of my heart, unable to be held back so much time and time again.

I wanted to pass it off as a joke as always, as the close friends that we were, but I wanted more and more to not.

Maybe I was intoxicated by the spring air, or struck by the thought that I didn’t want to be like those cherry blossoms, but that feeling was particularly strong today.

Either way, until the word ‘love’ made its way into our conversation, this man would try not to acknowledge whatever this was. Sadly, it didn’t look like I’d have the courage to say that anytime soon.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he laughed. “Pick one – of course you like me.”

 

“Eish. You complain even when I’m being nice to you.”

 

“Hey, let’s stop playing and get back to filming.”

 

Jong Kook-oppa patted me the on shoulder once, then moved away. I looked at the blossoms for a moment, and murmured, “Even you and I will have our day, someday – haha.”

 

And I trot back, get into place.

 

My place is always beside his.

 

* * *

(that day, back then)

Weather: sunny

My feeling towards him: dislike

 

 

At last, my second filming started.

 

Though it looked like the situation was heading to its worst right from the opening, against all my hopes.

I didn’t even like loveliness to start with because it was embarrassingly cheesy, and it was with Jong Kook-oppa of all people.

Whether he wanted us to reconcile after that incident this morning, or he really was clueless about things, Jae Suk-oppa was putting his full effort in trying to get a guy and a girl together.

And as a participant I didn’t want the situation to get worse. So I acted, playing shy and laughing too much - and so the strange scene continued.

 

_Is that oppa laughing on purpose like me? Or is he laughing because he really is enjoying himself?_

 

He would be feeling pretty awful inside too, if he were paired with someone he didn’t like.

I had to wonder at this man who was smiling and laughing like I was. But wow, that’s what his smile looks like.

I always saw him when he was expressionless or angry, so it was my first time seeing his smiling face properly.

His face looked so innocent then, that for a moment I thought perhaps he was a nicer person than I had made him out to be.

 

 _What am I thinking…._ I laugh at my own nonsense thoughts.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be confusing to some so I’ll say this haha
> 
> ‘Unrequited Love Story’ will alternate between (that day, back then) when Ji Hyo and Jong Kook are getting to know each other and Ji Hyo slowly falls for Jong Kook and (present) when quite into Running Man when Ji Hyo has been in love with Jong Kook for a while
> 
> I was originally just going to write the “that day, back then” part but I wanted to write more lovey dovey scenes….
> 
> And it might even be fun to compare the two hehe


	4. The Reason for Hate

(that day, back then)

Weather: clear

My feeling towards him: dislike but strangely curious

 

 

“Hyung~ Come over here~~”

 

 

I went in during break, in the middle of filming and I saw an oversized baby that definitely hadn’t been there a few minutes ago.

All eyes were on a muscle-bound and smiling man, as if the members were watching some strange spectacle.

Yet nobody dared to say anything. Reason being that the baby was none other than the one infamously known as the drill sergeant of the entertainment industry, the one formerly called the legend of Anyang – Kim Jong Kook.

 

“Hyung, hyung, hyung. Look, these are organic crackers~”

 

“I could see that. But, do you realize they are all looking at you right now?”

 

“Yeah I know, I know. Why are you guys all looking at me like that?”

 

Once the two heads of Running Man exchanged words and acknowledged their surroundings, it was like a silent permission had been made and the members began talking. The program called Running Man with its still new 3 non-variety members, was full of gauging reactions and reading between the lines like this in the beginning.

 

“It’s nothing, I was just really worried you were on drugs or something.”

 

“What? Hey, Lee Gwang Soo, why are you saying that so seriously?”

 

“I’m sorry but this is something that I also have to question. You weren’t this kind of person, hyung. Shouldn’t you show us a cooler side of yourself?” Gary added.

 

“Ah…. I’m going to go crazy… Hyung, why did you chance so much since X-man? Please come back.”

 

It was fun to watch the members devour him whole, like so many starved lions that had a chunk of meat flung to them. 

 

At the complaints from not just Gwang Soo but the other dongsaengs, Jong Kook-oppa’s lips formed a pout. “Fine, fine. Now I’m the one feeling sorry. I try to be cute once, and this is what I get…”

 

“Are you sulking, hyung-nim? How is this the one thing that hasn’t changed over the years? Aww, our hyung is so cute.”

 

“Kook Jong-ah, do you want some cwackers? Organic cwackers?”

 

“I’m going to hit all of you if you keep doing that.”

 

“I’m sorry! I’ll behave from now on! What should we talk about!”

 

Gwang Soo’s change of subject in a single sentence filled the break room with laughter.  _Everyone is so energetic, even though they’re probably all feeling tired._

I tap on my phone. Now that I think about it, my ideal type had been a cutesy guy…

Why did I keep thinking of his face as he said “organic crackers~”? 

In all honesty, I had never seen such an intense aegyo coming out of a tough guy like him. The first time I saw it I thought,  _why was he doing that?_ in the mindset where everything tends to be annoying when a person you don’t like does it - but thinking of it again the action not only struck me as funny but also cute.

 

_What the hell am I thinking…. I…._

 

According to a study, it was more psychologically effective for a person you didn’t like to show one instance of goodness than the other way around.

What if I was a butterfly caught in that same trap?

_You’re crazy! No, definitely not._

 

That man may have such an innocent face right now, but he was a selfish person who wouldn’t hesitate to drive people in a corner if they did a little wrong to him. And the actress Song Ji Hyo wasn’t some naïve girl who would be won over with a moment of decency, was she?

Finishing that thought I shook my head out of habit.

.

.

.

The too sweet break ended. It was neither long nor short, since my brain had wandered about in thought half the time.

It had been a break in name only, because the members who had been too busy joking around and laughing looked even more tired than before.

 

“ _We’ll begin filming now.”_

 

It was well past midnight, when the world was asleep. I stood up from my seat, rubbing my eyes that threatened to close.

This constant, overwhelming wave of sleep would soon disappear when I focused on the filming, beyond this very moon I saw right now.

 

_“We’re hitting the slate.”_

 

Click-

 

The sound that marked the start of the filming no longer seemed so nerve wrecking.

Even the countless cameras and lights that had given me headaches didn’t faze me that much anymore.

 

But it wasn’t that everything was better.

 

Learning how to joke and bring up a conversation in front of the camera still remained as unsolved homework.

It was no easy task to be the center of attention of just the members, let alone a hundred other people counting all the staff.

I once again found myself laughing at someone else’s comment today, unable to mutter more than a few sentences on my own. It was a shame that even when the chance came, I could only mutter some vague words.

 

I felt a large hand envelop my shoulder.

 

“Don’t worry about it too much, noona. You’ll get used to it soon.”

 

Gwang Soo was next to me. Well, he was always next to me when it came to spot positions, and I didn’t know how he knew but here he was cheering me on.

The tall and lanky dongsaeng was the kind of guy that you could be sure in saying he genuinely was a kind person. Though the thoughtfulness could seem stifling to others, I felt quite often that his consideration for others was rooted in his very being.

Call it woman’s intuition, but I instinctively felt that I could grow to be close with Gwang Soo.

Was that why?-

 

“Ya! Lee Gwang Soo! I told you to hurry up!”

 

The reason I hated this person no matter what good side he showed me.

 

Like a total opposite to Gwang Soo, he had no consideration for people weaker them himself. It only took me a moment to feel like an idiot for smiling as I had thought of him acting all cute.

Jong Kook-oppa kept yelling angrily. “Are you not going to participate in the game? Your role is important this round!”

 

“Yes, I understand! I’ll be right there!”

 

 Well, whether I hated him or not wouldn’t matter as long as I did my own part well.

Gwang Soo and I headed over the to set.

 

* * *

 


	5. The Crack in the Chasm

The set wasn't even a minute away. It looked almost shabby, with only a mat on the floor and a cracker hanging from the ceiling.

 

The white card that the PD had given us read: make a human ladder and the first team to finish eating the cookie wins. I wondered whether this kind of game would actually go on broadcast but I understood his earlier words about how Gwang Soo’s role was going to be important here.

It was obvious the taller the person, the greater the advantage.

 

And so dragged off by Jong Kook the moment he arrived on set no less, Gwang Soo was made to carry Haha-oppa on his thin legs.

And the person who was the most fit for this sort of thing with his boundless stamina, Jong Kook-oppa stood coaching in front of Gwang Soo, ordering him around.

My grudge against him grew at the absurd situation.

 

 

And 10 minutes had passed.

 

“When is this going to end?”

 

“Don’t you think they put the cracker too high?”

 

The game was still ongoing, against all previous expectations.

Gwang Soo’s legs were trembling badly, and he seemed to have reached the end of his limit and patience.

 

“Ya! Go a little more forward! That’s it, yeah...”

 

He couldn’t even move properly despite Jong Kook-oppa’s commands, barely hanging on.

And-

 

_...Crash. Thump. Thump._

 

An accident ensued.

 

I heard the sound of Gwang Soo and Haha-oppa falling on the mat as they lost their balance.

What if it was serious?

As my first time experiencing an accident within variety, I  looked towards the scene with more worry in my eyes than anyone else. Thankfully the two of them were unhurt, and I felt relieved as they got back up, rubbing their behinds.

 

And Gwang Soo began, in a manner much like a child tattletaling, “Jong Kook-hyung stepped on my foot!”

 

At his words laughter bubbled up from a couple of the members on set. The others continued filming not really seeming bothered, unlike me who was still trying to get over the sudden accident. Were they saying that in a real variety like this such an accident accident was a mere drop in the bucket?

 

“....Did I? ...Ah well, anyways. We’re running out of time so hurry back on there!”

 

What? What the hell was he saying? Was he not going to say he was sorry?”

 

“Wow hyung… Don’t you think you’re being overboard?” Gwang Soo asked.

 

“Do you want to go up quietly, or after I make you come back to your senses?”

 

“I’ll climb as fast as I can!”

 

...He was really disappointing me multiple times today. 

I was still dazed but from my position right to them I heard every word of their conversation clearly and couldn’t help but be dumbfounded.

This was going way over the top.

Why wasn’t anyone saying anything?

 

My ill feelings towards him that I had kept squashing down came to a breaking point. Sure, an accident could happen to anyone but wasn’t it common sense and manners to at least feel guilty and apologize over one’s actions? Was he a person at all for pushing people down and feeling not a shred of remorse?

The girl in me that couldn’t talk for out of fear of being the center of attention was nowhere to be found then.

 

That’s right, for a hateful man like him, there was no need for manners was there.

 

“Ya! Kim Jong Kook!”

 

All eyes turned towards me. But I didn’t care, I couldn’t.

This at least, is something that needs to be said in front of everyone, I thought, unable to hold back my anger at the injustice of it all.

 

“Apologize right now!”

 

I felt that with this, our relation would reach a point of no return.

I vaguely heard the shattering crack in the small chasm that had yet to heal.

 

* * *


	6. His Reason

“Ya, Kim Jong Kook! Apologize right now!”

 

He turned around with a blank face at his first time hearing such a fierce shout from a woman. Shortly his eyes caught the gaze of one furious actress who was glaring daggers at him as she soothed Gwang Soo.  
Had it been a guy, Jong Kook could have expressed his anger for not respecting a senior, but he was even more lost because she was a woman. His gaze wandered aimlessly, not knowing where to look whether it really was because she was a woman, or her gaze was just downright frightening he couldn’t say.

The tension that sent sweat trickling down his back still remained.  
Jae Suk who seemed to have noticed the pleading look in the man’s eyes was the first to break the icy atmosphere. “J-Ji Hyo-ssi…. What’s wrong?”

 

They had barely known each other for a month, the awkwardness obvious from the addition of the honorific in formal speech.

 

“He's always angry and annoyed, and never apologizes, not even once. How can a person act like that?”

 

“Don’t take it so hard. It’s only a concept after all.” At his words everyone else nodded that Ji Hyo was in the wrong. She couldn’t help but feel her resolve weaken and at last, she changed her mind though she still appeared nonchalant.

 

“If… If he apologizes…. I’ll stop talking about it….”

 

“...Right then Jong Kook-ah, why don’t you apologize on this one and let it slide?” Jae Suk smiled, but anyone could see there was an odd sheepishness in it, maybe a glint that spoke of wanting to let the situation end on a better note.

His hand rested on Jong Kook’s arm, almost as if to restrain or perhaps even to comfort the muscled man.

 

But Jong Kook’s hand, large even by male standards, covered his face and the underlying expression of grave seriousness made even the main MC stare at him nervously.  
A faint sadness was present on his face as he swept the hair out of his eyes, in one smooth practiced motion.  
He sighed quietly, bitter smile forming on his lips.

 

“I’m sorry, Gwang Soo.”  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

After an even more subdued filming than usual, exhaustion settled in over the members who tirelessly ran in an hour when everyone was asleep. Amongst the voices that sleepily rang out farewells and another job well done, Jong Kook found his eyes trailing towards Ji Hyo who alone was called to talk with Jo Hyo Jin, the main PD.

But he told himself that it was no business of his and quietly got into the car.

 

“Hyung, did you have a fight with Ji Hyo-ssi today?

 

His manager Gap Jin who held the steering wheel began talking, tone joking more than anything. Jong Kook half sat, half collapsed onto the seat of the car and answered back in the same light tone.

 

“It wasn’t really a fight. I just don’t think Ji Hyo-ssi likes me very much.”

 

“Pwahaha, put in a little more effort hyung. You’re going to be seeing each other once a week so you can’t be acting like this already. But I did hear that you didn’t have the friendliest response either you know?”

 

“Ya, how do you know that so well? Who told you?”

 

“Haha-hyung did.”

 

“That kid, I thought as much.”

 

Jong Kook massaged his back as he grinned thinking of his dongsaeng of 10 years who was already going around spreading rumors.

 

“It wasn’t just because of Ji Hyo-ssi that I was in a bad mood….”

 

“Then why?”

 

“Just… You know…”

 

“What is it?” Gap Jin pressed. “I wish you would tell me what you’re thinking sometimes.”

 

Jong Kook always kept his most important thoughts to himself, as one who had a hard time stringing two words together for the complicated thoughts that ran through his mind.  
Perhaps it was because he didn’t want to show that he was weak.  
Gap Jin who knew that particular trait of his all too well took note and dropped the subject.

 

Whatever the reason, his dongsaeng would never know that what he had seen through Ji Hyo was none other than the public masses.  
No, for the man named Kim Jong Kook it was something he could never bring himself to say-

 

Why in that instant, the image of Ji Hyo with her unbridled anger towards him had overlapped with the nameless faces that called him out on the internet.

 

Unfortunately that was one of the ever present worries after he was tasked with the role of the antagonist when he started Running Man.

He knew that his company was going through hard times, knew all too well that one’s public image was not something he could take lightly. It was why he couldn’t ignore such comments even though he had always said it was better for his peace of mind to do so, whether they spoke ill of him or not.

 

_‘I don’t even want to see your face’_

_‘it would be so much funnier without you in it’_

_'you only got enlisted in public service and you think you have right be so mean to the other members?’_

And the several hundred others that was almost enough to send him into a despair like the blue sickness of depression with the merest taste of the words. His heart could not take the fact the words followed him everyday in the same manner as persistent ghosts did.

 

He didn’t think even he could bear it if the anti-fans that had grown more numerous since the incident of his mandatory service started ripping apart about his personality as well due to his on-screen character.

 

But he had to.

 

Because he wanted to continue singing, to continue pursuing that one dream- he had to bear this, had to bear a hundred other things he hated.  
And Jong Kook knew well that complaining about the situation would make no difference.  
That was why even while he bore the burden of his role and the hatred of the nameless many, he said nothing, acted like there was nothing- not knowing that doing so made the burden that much heavier on his shoulders….

 

“Ah, hyung! I made an appointment at the hospital for tomorrow since you kept saying your back was hurting. ..Uh…. Hyung?.......”

 

Silence.

 

“Are you sleeping?”

 

Jong Kook leaning against the window with a head heavy with too many thoughts, had fallen asleep at some point into that deep black world of dreams. And Gap Jin could only glance worriedly at the man who had exhausted himself into slumber.

 

Perhaps this short time now was the most comforting for him, as the weight on his shoulders momentarily lifted.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/N: A reminder that this is a work of fiction and is not meant to be read as a serious representative of the actions of the people mentioned here.  
> However it is true that It’s mandatory for all Korean males to serve in the army for a couple of years, so Jong Kook was met with heavy criticism when instead of serving in an actual unit he was put into public service (sort of like a desk job I’m guessing) because of his back injury.


	7. His Reason (Part 2)

00 Hospital.

 

A suspicious looking man sat on the waiting bench, a cap pulled low over his eyes and a mask covering most of his face. However if one took the time to pull each article away, they probably would have recognized the singer Kim Jong Kook underneath.

But not a single person paid him any attention- whether they were watching the TV, or on their phones, they were all rather focused on their own thoughts.

It was unclear whether it was simply an action that betrayed the slight desolateness of modern society or one born out of consideration on his behalf, but Jong Kook was nonetheless grateful.

 

 

“Kim Jong Kook-ssi? Please come in.”

 

 

The words rippled and the scene shifted in an instant, stares all but sweeping over Jong Kook. Yet his expression remained the same- carefully neutral, though no doubt he felt a tinge of nervousness inside.

.

.

.

 

“Tsk, look at this… I kept telling you to be careful. Did you sprain your back again?”

 

The loud voice of a male rang throughout the room, but it remained confined within the four walls. The owner of the voice was a white-gowned doctor in his 40s who cut a large stature despite his age. Indeed his hair did not look as bountiful as it once might have been, and he looked rather like a father scolding his young child as he chided Jong Kook. The graveness of the situation was obvious from one glance at the transparent x-ray scans laid out in front of him, the whole area around the spine and back colored black.

 

Jong Kook felt his insides burn and shrivel into that same color as he looked at his own fragile body, his back that looked like it was going to break apart and collapse into pieces at any moment.

 

The doctor sighed. “This is a pretty serious condition… Your current show puts too much of a strain on your back- at this rate you might not even be able to walk for the rest of your life. You have start thinking of your own health, I don’t know what else to tell you.”

 

The doctor gathered the papers on his desk and set them in an organized stack with a few light taps against the surface, the practiced action reflecting the familiarity of seeing the man in front in him. Jong Kook remained sitting in the round chair-stool, quiet and lost in thought.

 

 

The jumbled thoughts swirling in his head were sharply brought to order by the doctor’s next words-

 

 

“I think it will be difficult to avoid surgery.”

 

 

It did not mean that he was going to die, but nonetheless it was a difficult truth to face.

 

The words cut through his mind point-blank, in one fell swoop and to the gravity of the situation Jong Kook could only blurt out, “What did you say?”

 

It seemed almost cruel that the face of the man observing Jong Kook’s look of shock remained perfectly neutral. The only response Jong Kook received was that should the operation be delayed any further, the condition would only grow worse and there would be nothing that he could do as a doctor then.

 

“Wait. I thought you told me that if I did get surgery…. I won’t be able to put any strain on my back for the rest of my life.”

 

“The pain will be reduced greatly, yes, but….”

 

The doctor trailed off, unable to continue further in the increasingly heavy atmosphere, but the singer understood anyhow. A heavy sigh left Jong Kook’s lips as he held his face in his hands. He looked even worse off than when he first walked in, and for that the doctor felt sorry.

 

The singer began, “About Running Man then-”

 

“Since it hasn’t even been that long since you’ve started the show, I’d advise you to call it off now and use this chance to just  _rest_.”

 

Unlike the words that fell from doctor’s mouth so easily, Jong Kook could not abandon the people who chose him in the same manner. His thoughts grew more restless and cluttered.

 

A few more sentences were exchanged between the two, and he left only saying that  _he will think about it._

 

.

 

The hard pavements of the city.

Here, the cacophony of car engines humming and the wind whistling past never stopped.

 

Jong Kook walked through the streets, not paying much mind to the sounds of the city, focusing instead on his cell phone. Ringing into his ear through the receiver was the representative for his current label company, 101 Entertainment. The conversation had started lightly, with Jong Kook voicing his concern that he would have to get surgery and probably leave Running Man temporarily, but now it had turned into a battlefield. Whether it was really going to happen had yet to be confirmed, but the head was scared and moved now to stop him.

 

“Jong Kook-ah, you know about the company situation right now. One wrong move and we could go bankrupt. Just save us,  _please_. What are we going to do if you drop out of the scene too? You think you can just come back on broadcast later if you stop here? You know how hard it is to be cast as a permanent member of a weekend variety, and this only worked out because you’re close with Jo Hyo Jin PD. Once you end it irresponsibly like this……”

 

The words tumbled one after another, steamrolling over him and any chance to answer.

In the end Jong Kook found himself saying those words again, that  _he will think about it_ , exhaustion and fatigue laced in his voice. And to that world-weary Jong Kook the head reminded that for tomorrow schedule he had to participate in a new cable program, ‘ _Anti vs Star_ ’.

 

“Why did you accept a program a like that?”

 

To that the only response was, “ _I have connections to the PD over there, so I didn’t have a choice.”_

.

.

.

 

His mother welcomed him in at the door, and Jong Kook laughed, hugged her in greeting. The affection was nothing out of the ordinary, but was it strange to feel that there was something more to it than usual?

 

His footsteps moved towards his room, past the woman whose first words were of worry for her son. “What did they say at the hospital? Is it serious?”

 

“They said I’ll be better in no time if I put on tape and take some medicine.”

 

He was one who still kept the truth of how the agency in his Turbo days had abused him under wraps because he didn’t want to see his mother worry about him anymore. The TV and news had never mentioned anything about it either, and when the articles did pop up it was dismissed as a false report.

 

Like how the now old woman in front of him had hid her battle with cancer from him all those years ago, he knew that should she find out later it would cause only more pain- but he did not want to see the sadness on his mother’s face in the present.

 

And so smiling, he went to his room, and remained there for a long time.

 

He was not crying. He was, but he would not be crying.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/N: Anti vs Star is an actual TV show, but JK did not participate in it and I’ve heard the rumors that he was abused (from tight schedules to actual violence depending on the source) by the company during Turbo but again not sure how true that it is.
> 
> I've had this one waiting for a while, but finally finished translating the last bits, enjoy!


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